Redneck Weddings!

Some humor to make your day a bit light hearted!

Redneck Weddings (adapted in part from Jeff Foxworthy)

Long before the first cherry bomb muffler was installed, or the first beer can pop top necklace was made, rednecks roamed the earth. Nobody knows who the first one was, or where they originated from. Perhaps the first one descended from a cave man who liked to scratch a lot while admiring his dinosaur kill, or maybe from a Roman soldier who put fuzzy dice on his chariot. Today, they not only have survived but flourish! Rednecks are not confined to the south… they are very durable characters that can adapt to any climate! 

In fact, Rhode Islanders have their own “special characteristics!

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If Vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you measure distance in hours, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you (and probably in the right lane…), you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly’, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If there’s a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you are a Rhode Island Redneck.

 

Redneck is not a term of derision, it’s a state of mind. After all, if you are reading this page, you too might be a Redneck!

Appropriate locations for reciting the redneck wedding vows will be inside the back of a pickup truck, in a Wal-Mart parking lot, or at a junk yard or stock car race. Back yards are also great!

To recite redneck wedding vows willfully and with gusto the mood must be set. Guests with beer cans, cigarettes, missing teeth, and wearing lots of camouflage is a must. In fact, if both the bride and groom are wearing camouflage this is a bonus. Cowboy or hunting hats (bride and groom) are always a hit.

As the bride walks down the aisle, marching to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” or “Sweet Home Alabama,” and a cardboard cutout of Jeff Foxworthy in the front row, the guests will be spitting their tobacco left and right. This is perfectly acceptable redneck etiquette.

Now, if you happen to be wondering just what redneck wedding vows are, here are few samples:

  1. I, Zeke, take you Wanda, to be my wife, to so that you clean up my beer cans and wipe the foam off my mouth when I’ve had too much to drink. Be good to my dog, and we’ll get along just fine.

  2. With this beer tab, I thee wed. Don’t nag me or take the guns from my gun rack without asking. In the Lord’s name, Amen.

  3. I take you to be my cherished partner, to go with me to all NASCAR races and to stay home and rear our batch of toothless and shoeless children. I promise to protect you using lethal force if necessary and if I’m not too drunk.

  4. As the Lord and friends today are my witness, I promise to be good to you and your gabby friends, not make you do too much housework and come back every several days even when I’m out hunting.

  5. To my kissing cousin, I thee wed, I promise not to give you the gene that will cause a bunch of high forehead children. I also promise not to get drunk on Thursdays and to bring home a possum and a raccoon every once in a while for dinner.

  6.   I Cletis, take you Bertha, to be not only my half sister and cousin, but to be my lawfully wedded aunt. I knew the minute I met you at the county fair, when I looked into your only eye as you were leaning against the Ferris wheel making it tip that you were the one for me. Bertha, when you smiled at me and i saw your one slightly chipped tooth, I tingled all over. I knew that tooth of yours was perfect for openin’ those dang beer bottle tops. As the sun glistened off your greasy hair all up in curlers i got warm in the fuzzy places. When I finally got you home that night and unscrewed your wooden leg so I wouldn’t get splinters, I couldn’t wait to see what else you had to hide. I was surprised to find that we both had the same equipment but I knew it was nothing to worry about cause for $50.00 and a 6 pack, Dr. Snip could chop those things off in a flash. That night was magical, even though the termites ate your leg and you had to hop home.

  7.   Bertha, I am so glad you are going to be my wife, half sister, aunt cousin. I promise to always leave a mouth full of beer for you in the bottom of the can and to only ask you to lift up the back of the car on Sundays when the garage is closed.

  8.   I promise to spray-paint your name on the side of your favorite highway overpass (what was your name again?)

  9.   I promise to walk by your side … as you walk off the excess length of your new jeans so you don’t have to hem them.

  10.   I promise to always remove my Marlboro from my lips before I tell your Momma to kiss my ass

  11.   I’ll sometimes let you win at arm wrestling.

  12.   Bertha, I promise to never laugh at you again when your hair gets caught in the ceiling fan.

  13.   And Henry, I promise I won’t laugh again when your boss at the sewage treatment plant tells you it’s time to wash your hair.

  14.   I promise to always remove my toothpick before I kiss you. Maybe.

  15.   And I promise to remove my toothpick for the wedding pictures.

  16.   Henry, I promise to stop showing my bra to every man who lights my cigarette.

  17.   And Bertha, I promise to replace the hefty bag in the kitchen window with real glass, and stop growing corn in the front yard (after growing season ends).

  18.   I promise that next time you can drive while I through beer cans at road signs.

  19.   I promise to never again to cut my toenails or do the “pull my finger” joke at parent teacher meetings

  20.   I promise to take the curtains out of the truck and put them back in the front room.

  21.   I promise to hire someone to get the Camaro out of the tree.

  22.   I promise to stop cleaning fish in the living room, and move the engine block so you can use the tub.

  23.   Henry, I’ll take down my Rambo poster if you’ll git rid of Farrah Fawcett.

  24.   I cain’t believe I’m not sick of you yet… It must be love!

  25.   I promise that you will always be the one I text when I’m drunk!

  26.   Loving you is like having diarrhea.. I just can’t hold it in.

  27.   I promise to love you, even when you’re depressed, lazy and whiny after your football team looses.

  28.   You are my favorite pain in the ass!

  29.   You are the reason I get up in the morning (right after I pee)

  30.   Lets’ grow old and miserable together!

  31.   You are the sun and the moon and the stars, and all that other good shit!

  32.   And of course, feel free to reach deep into your hearts for even more teary (and beery) words of love…

 

Now some words about Wedding Etiquette

The announcement

It’s the bride’s family’s responsibility to handle this one in the local newspaper. You’ll need a picture of the bride (no tube tops please), the name of the groom and his folks (if known), current employment (if applicable), and planned future residence. If residing with the bride’s family, no need to specify where in the house the couple will live. 

Invitations

For planned weddings (at least 9 months before the blessed event), if you want a lot of free stuff, you must send out invites. No need to be windy with the wording: something like “You are invited to watch Henry and Bertha make it legal on February 30th” will do nicely!

Invitations to shorter notice events (less than 9 months prior to the blessed event) may be delivered orally in a bar or at work, usually by saying “If you ain’t doing nothing Saturday, why don’t you stop by for a brewski around 2 o’clock. Me and the ole lady are having some friends over to watch the game and witness our wedding.”

Wedding Attire

For the bride, (no matter how good it might look), refrain from wedding outfits made from spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips are also frowned upon, as this is not the day to show the world how big “they” are. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective, but also a proven insect deterrent. 

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if the cost of the rental means the difference between a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. A denim Harley jacket with a (clean) bowling shirt and a matching cummerbund can cause quite a stir, and although uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion. Or at least to the shoes… socks can be optional…. but not if you are wearing your "special sneakers"!

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A final word from the minister....

No matter how urgent the event, loaded firearms have no place at my weddings! And at the point where I say “if anybody has a dang good reason why these two shouldn’t be married up …”, weapons an old flames make for bad bedfellows.

After the ceremony is finished, the bride and groom are reminded that a short kiss will do nicely. This is neither the time nor the place to demonstrate anyone’s sexual prowess…

 

That’s why they make camcorders!